Rainbow Pregnancies

Today I am 8 weeks pregnant. As I sat looking at the 2 lines- the 2 lines that would forever change our lives- I was sad.

I didn't get the usual joyful tears. I didn't smile. Those 2 lines told me I had a rainbow baby on the way. But there's a lot that they didn't tell me...

My emotions are just all over the place after having lost our second child to trisomy 13. I don’t even know that I really want to be pregnant...

I haven't yet experienced the pure joy and happiness that usually comes with my pregnancies. I haven't been able to shake the sadness. I think of April. I miss her.

I wish so badly this was her- a second chance to be built right- A chance for me to build her correctly. I cry that my body failed us and didn't take care of her.

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Our older daughter Caroline has already asked if this baby is going to die. We have real honest conversations with her, and she is going to come to appointments with me. We'll ask questions together.

In the meantime, we talk a lot about April. Caroline reminds me that April's energy is always here with us. She also told me that April's energy is in the new baby, too.

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Last week I went in to see our high risk specialist. I failed to adequately get out any of the things I wanted to say to him. I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for directing us to Hopkins for our induction last pregnancy.

Thank you for spending as much time with us as we needed, talking over all the details of April's condition. 

Thank you for surrounding us with the right people that could make our experience as good as possible. Thank you.

None of that came out.

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Met with my new OB this week. Had my appointment, and all went well. I sat in the waiting room crying my eyes out #awkward! These appointments are just SO emotional for me now after losing April.

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"First of all," she said, "everything looks great."

I just started balling right then and there. All of the happy tears came out and all of my pent up worries and emotions just came out. I was beyond relieved and happy.

We then went through each of the tests and our risks, etc. Everything is NORMAL, NEGATIVE, and perfectly fine!

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"I also JUST realized that if I do have cholestasis, I will be induced on December 28th. December 28th was April's due date. These two just can't not share dates in common apparently. Tears flowing yet again..."

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William is now the size of a mango. The reality of this week, however, is I know his exact size all too well.

April was born at about 19.5 weeks. The truth is I know exactly what it's like to hold a baby that is only at 19 weeks gestation...

This post seems like a huge long rant and lots of complaining. I hate that. I honestly don't want to complain.

My reality, however, is that this pregnancy has been really hard on me. I'm emotionally spent and ready to have a healthy baby in my arms.

As the weeks go by, my fear of losing this pregnancy is intensifying. I thought it would be the other way around. I thought I'd feel better with each passing week. That has not been the case.

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My type A personality will win sooner or later, and start planning and prepping myself mentally. But for now, I am just focused on the finish line. 

My husband just wants William to get here already so that I am not in so much pain. 

And Caroline... well she wants William to be April. 

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This official cholestasis diagnosis on the other hand, does have me worried. I knew I had cholestasis. It was obvious to me.

But it wasn't until I heard the words spoken, and the official diagnosis was given, that I really got concerned. 

I can't fathom another loss. And so we are just going day by day, thinking positive thoughts.

Well, the time has come. I'm 34 weeks and 1 day. I've been admitted to the hospital today, and will be induced tomorrow.

I am nervous on so many levels.

I'm here because of my mama gut. My mama senses that made me feel like something wasn't right yesterday. 

Dear William (my rainbow baby),

I can't imagine my life without you. I wake up every day and realize our reality of life without your big sister, April. And I also know that, had she been healthy, you would not be with us.

My blogging journey started with a parenting blog called Mama's Organized Chaos. I started it when our oldest was about 4 months old, to record the schedules we used with her and the eat, wake, sleep cycles.

I have continued to do weekly and monthly updates and am so passionate about sharing these amazing tools to use with babies.

William's updates can all be found here.

A book for your rainbow baby. This book is by the same author as "We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead".