I know this post is going to upset some of you and maybe make you uncomfortable but that’s ok, I’m going to tell it anyway.
I should be holding a newborn baby today but instead I’m carrying her in my heart. And I’m going to tell you why.
In late January we found out I was pregnant. I was insanely nervous and worried. (Maybe a little foreshadowing I don’t know.) How are we going to handle three crazy kids? Lol Lance was surprisingly happy right off the bat.
I was sicker than my other two pregnancies, I was more exhausted, I was grumpier (ask Lance). I was just not feeling good.
First visit to the doctor was fine. Everything looked good but she had her measuring about 1.5 weeks smaller than I had thought I was (I track my cycles) but thought maybe I just got it wrong. The due date was set for 10/10/19.
And, because I was 35, they ordered a blood test to check for any abnormalities and also I would get a sneak peek at gender. I was so excited to find out the gender that I was checking my email everyday even though they told us it would take about two weeks for results.
I took that test on a Monday and by Friday afternoon, I got a call from the genetics department letting me know that our child had a 33% chance of having trisomy 18 and that we should come in asap to talk to a counselor.
Trisomy 18, for those of you that don’t know, is a genetic disorder that causes you to have an extra 18th chromosome. Most babies don’t make it past the 2nd or 3rd trimesters, and if they make it to term, most won’t survive the birth or for very long after. Nobody knows why it happens, it just does.
Lance and I met with the counselor the next Monday and discussed our options. She scheduled us for a more invasive test that would bring us more definitive answers. We got to see the baby in ultrasound during that appointment and everything looked great.
We left feeling good about things and the doctor gave us hope. That was that Friday. 11 days went by. We had to wait 11 days.
I was 14 weeks pregnant, and into my second trimester- starting to feel better, physically and trying to keep busy. Then she called. Never in a million years did I think she would say that the test was positive. It was found in all of the cells. I was crushed and also found out that day that we were pregnant with another girl.
We had more choices to make, and had to make them fast.
Honestly, the choice was easy for Lance. He’s in the medical field, he knew quality of life would not be there for her. He knew she would suffer and struggle her whole life (however long that might have been).
For me though, I was carrying that baby, watching my stomach grow, my body change. She looked perfect in that ultrasound. The doctor told us we had nothing to worry about.
My mind knew what we had to do but my heart wasn’t ready to accept it.
In the end we moved forward and scheduled the appointment. We chose to bare the pain so she didn’t have to.
She left us on April 25th; I was 16 weeks pregnant.
Her name is Margot Faye and would have most likely been born today if things had only gone a different way.
I walked into that hospital, pregnant and walked out 5 hours later with only a memory box that the doctor gave to us. I still haven’t looked in it.
Healing is weird for me. I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I would be, maybe it was the prescription meds they had me on, I don’t know.
I had minimal pain, minimal bleeding. I cry in bursts. Mostly when I’m alone for a few minutes, in the car or shower or in bed at night. I realize this is something we will forever be healing from.
Now I know I’m not the first to lose a baby, I’m not here for sympathy. I just want to tell people about her and bring awareness to medical terminations and that even though it might not be something you would choose for you or your family, it does not make it wrong for others who do.
It’s a choice no parent wants to make. Its gut wrenching and heart breaking. And most importantly, it’s no ones choice but yours. So it’s simple, if you don’t believe in something then don’t do it. It’s not your place to judge or preach to anyone else for making this decision.
I might sound harsh but I’m in a support group that is filled with women who have or are going through the same thing as we did and we all feel silenced. Forced to grieve alone in fear of judgment, in fear of what reaction people might have when all we want to do is tell our story and be able to talk about the babies we lost.
So please, think about that before you say horrible things about people who choose this. They are most likely people who are close to you and are afraid to say anything.
Hi. I’m 36, I’ve been married for 11 years and this was my 3rd pregnancy. We have two young girls and Margot makes three. I’ve been overwhelmed with the amount of support that I’ve received since sharing my story with the public. I’m so thankful for outlets like this that bring comfort to women during a very isolating experience.
