It was September 25th, 2020. We first started trying for a baby April 20th. Our appointment to have our IUD removed had to be postponed due to COVID. It only took 2 months to get pregnant. We tried everything! I couldn’t believe my eyes when it finally happened, and I was the most grateful human to walk on this planet. It was the most beautiful time in my life! That first happiness I don’t believe can be repeated.
I was 37. Yes, I had done it all- the pineapple core, the softcups, pre-seed, no alcohol nor caffeine, EVERY possible vitamin, the brazil core nuts, the waiting with my legs up, the temping, the ovulation strips, and it had worked!!!! 2 positive pregnancy tests. Smooth sailings, everyone was over the mooooooon for us.
Then the 12 week check up came. Something was off on her neck. I googled EVERYTHING I could on nuchal translucency- trying to find the one piece of data that would make my case “special”, BETTER, different, or the one that survives. I made myself believe it was an error, but… Tears, tests, everything came later. NIGHTMARES. CVS, and amnio.
I had to hold my bladder, 5 doctors held my hand, cells were retrieved and scary talks about kidneys not working and umbilical cord missing arteries…. things you never want to hear. CVS retrieval failed. So we had to wait more time for amnio and then… we waited more. We hopefully waited.
Several weeks later the diagnosis came. Our girl had Trisomy 13. I was 18 weeks pregnant. She was not going to survive.
We were so lucky to be on the same page him and I. It was an impossible decision for her, and the only one for us, and on Nov 4, 2021 we had our D&E. I listened to Good Night by The Beatles while he held me close to his arms…while I balled my eyes out.
It hurt in places I never knew existed. Butcher was there, always there, he was so heartbroken. It comforted me to to think that She and I, we would both be asleep. I’ve been through really hard times but this was nothing compared to that.
I will miss you forever my Aurora Borealis. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for making me a Mom. I love you Always, I miss you every second of every day.
“Truly every step counts in this amazing adventure we call life.
Some steps leave deeper and longer memories because we were not alone. “
Deniz Kabuloglu is a visual artist. She studied art in México, Italy, Spain, USA, and has had private and public exhibitions throughout since 1998. Her grand love is an extraordinary Butcher, and in her spare time she enjoys doing nothing with her 102lb. Bloodhound, Lucas The Egg, and supporting wildlife conservation through her work.