It’s been a while since I shared my story. Back in 2015 getting the news of being pregnant made me and my family so excited. At the same time we also were planning a wedding and couldn’t be more excited for our son to become a big brother.
The most exciting day was the first ultrasound and then spreading the word to family and friends.
Soon after, a call from my doctor began to make me nervous. That first sit down with the doctor discussing her concerns made me sick, but I was still so excited to know I was having a baby girl.
I couldn’t remember anything the doctor said but there were some developmental issues. I went home to process the news with pamphlets of information. I had a dozen ultrasound visits and more doctor appointments and meetings with specialists.
I was so discouraged to find out my baby girl was not developing correctly, and that her heart was not going to be strong enough for her to survive. This was the hardest thing to hear.
A doctor giving me my options while seeing my baby girl so active on all my ultrasounds was so confusing. I thought over and over, “These doctors can’t be right. This is a very strong active baby.”
As I approached five months, the doctor expressed concerns about how life would be if we proceeded with the pregnancy. I also had talks about ending my pregnancy, which totally broke my heart to hear.
Hearing the amount of surgeries this little baby would have to go through just scared me and my family. This would be a total life change. We, at the time, were struggling with our son and getting help for him with ADHD. How in the world would we be able to bring a child in the world with so many issues?
It was not fair and I was so mad at myself for not understanding why this was happening to my family. We ultimately could not have our baby girl suffer her whole life and then possibly neglect the care of our other child. We were so torn with what to do.
I remember finally making our decision to terminate and how I had no family living in my area, and going through this process without my mom. The feeling I had in a birthing center then to leave with no baby in my arms was the hardest thing.
I was very depressed for a very long time and never really discussed it much. I would just cry and cry at night of the emptiness I felt.
Having to explain to my son that we were not bringing his sister home just broke my heart. He was so excited to become a big brother. Now 5 years later as I sit and wonder how she would be and look. I find this group that I felt I needed to share my story to.
It made me feel good writing this post knowing there are women out there with the same story I have. I wish I had a support group that would have helped me get through those hard times. Now it’s my time to help others with sharing my story.
Submitted by Melody Allen – Chicopee, MA- In honor of Aniyah Rose.
