I never imagined sharing ‘my story’, or being someone who has a story. I never imagined myself being the mother of an angel either.
My husband and I were new parents, happily planning our family, planning, charting and timing it all. Eager parents to begin life with the family we were creating.
Our journey started with two little lines much like most. I waited 5 days to tell my husband. I had an instant set of fear and worry.
I remember telling my own mom to stop telling people I was pregnant in case something was wrong. I guess you could call that a mothers intuition?
My journey started at my first scan at 9 weeks. I had a call back for a follow up scan at 11 weeks for an ovarian cyst.
The concern of me quickly switched to Reagan, with two small spots located on her head that may have been some small cysts.
A referral to maternal fetal medicine to get a better look was ordered.
The next thing I know I was going for two scans a week, and finally a CVS to determine what type or if any chromosome or genetic abnormalities were present.
Exactly 14 days later we had our results and a sigh of relief.
Reagan had no mutations, no chromosome or genetic issues.
We cried, we cheered, and our geneticist told us we will hope all will clear up by the 18 week anatomy scan.
Fast forward to that scan- our cheerful day turned into a day of pain, tears and fear.
Reagan’s ventricles had enlarged and it was questionable if her corpus callosum had developed.
Your corpus callosum is what allows both sides of your brain to communicate to one another to make complex decisions, choices and often solve problems.
A fetal MRI was ordered, and our physicians were puzzled. Nothing about Reagan fit a textbook.
How could our child who is so perfect, is measuring on schedule, has 10 fingers and 10 toes, have something so wrong?
I think I speak for all mommas in the same boat as me- I spent hours on google. Praying, hoping, searching for answers.
Our fetal MRI didn’t give us the answers had hoped.
Reagan’s ventricles had nearly tripled in size in 13 days. The corpus callosum was severely damaged, thin and malformed. There was blood matter found on the right side, and they believed there was a blockage causing fluid to not drain properly.
We were forced with a choice.
Continue a risky pregnancy with a poor outcome, or choose to be induced and to save our child the pain.
In such a heated discussed topic on abortion in so many states, I was fearful for so many women. How could anyone make this choice, and how could anyone be told they couldn’t?
My husband and I, with tears in our eyes, called to be scheduled to be induced.
Reagan’s outlook was grim, if she survived. I felt so helpless with this choice.
No one wants to say goodbye to their child, ever. Let alone be the one who has to make that choice themselves.
With a blank look on my face, I checked into labor and delivery and was welcomed with hugs, and with caring smiles. I, however, knew I wasn’t leaving with my child.
My husband and I would leave with my packed bag, and a memory box and a lifetime full of “what if’s”.
I endured 24 hours of labor, and at 12 hours made the choice for an epidural. After a few hours of sleep, my husband and I welcomed into the world sleeping, Reagan Scott Rainville.
The most perfectly looking child whom I swear smiled the whole time.
Often I am asked what happened, or “I couldn’t imagine what you are going through” and I truthfully don’t want anyone to imagine that, because I myself never imagined myself here.
We as women who choose terminating for medical reasons are a special type of strong.
I proudly stand with my sweet girl and our choice.
I wanted Reagan to beat all odds, be a miracle, and overcome statistics, but I knew my selfish wants were not what she needed.
We made our first choice as parents putting our children in front of our own wants.
I will forever cherish those few moments we were able to spend with our sweet angel.
My name is Brandi. I am a 27 year old mom of 1 angel, married to an incredible husband.
TFMR stands for termination for medical reasons.
It depends on your state and hospital, but you can choose to have a D&E procedure, or to be induced early.