This is the story of our angel baby, Jasper.
My husband and I got married not even a year into our relationship. We fell head over heals for one another, and he loves my 5 year old son, Jonah, just like he was his own blood.
We knew right away that we wanted children, so 3 months after we tied the knot, it was no surprise that I had gotten pregnant.
We were so over the moon and happy, but that ended fairly quickly when we had a miscarriage 6 weeks into the pregnancy.
We where told that “it happens,” and that their was no reason to think we would have any problems trying again. We were both young, in our twenties and I have a healthy son.
Two months passed and we finally got up the courage to try again….
In August of 2018 I got FIVE bright positive tests! We announced immediately, even though we where both nervous. We wanted to celebrate this baby.
We took the pregnancy one day at a time. Things were going fantastic, other than some serious morning sickness. I was showing pretty fast too- by 12 weeks I had to buy maternity clothes.
At 14 weeks we set up a gender reveal ultrasound, at a private studio, with close friends and family. We found out we were having a GIRL! I was over joyed because I’d always dreamed of having a daughter.
A few weeks went by and I’d already stocked up on pink bows and sparkling outfits. I had started to notice this baby wasn’t nearly as active as my son Jonah was, but I pushed it to the back of my head chalking it up to nerves.
Two days after that is when I got the call that changed everything.
We chose to do the early screening blood work, because my sister has spinabifida- not that it would change much, but mostly to be prepared if anything was going on. We didn’t, however, expect the news we got.
The doctor told us something came back that was concerning to her, and that we needed to be sent to a specialist.
I waited and cried for two days until the specialist called and set up the appointment. It seemed like months (not weeks) waiting to go in- praying and hoping the test was somehow wrong.
The day finally came and we went into the specialist’s office. No children under 16 were allowed. It was a very quiet and somber place…a place where you go to hear bad news.
We got called back and watched as the nurse preformed the ultrasound. Our baby looked so perfect. How could anything be wrong?
The nurse made comments about the baby being stubborn and not wanting to move, but at the time, I didn’t think anything of it. Babyies are stubborn all the time. She left, not giving any indication of anything being wrong, so I started to feel better- that is, until the doctor came in.
He didn’t even say anything and I started crying. Just the look and the atmosphere was enough to know it was very bad.
The first words out of my mouth were, “I want my mom. Please go get my mom.”
Other than that, all I could do was cry while he explain our daughter’s problems:
- No back half of the brain formed
- Large hole in her heart
- Intestines on the outside
- Webbed fingers and toes
- Clinched fists
He explained we needed an amniocentesis to confirm, but he thought it was probably trisomy 18.
He waited for me to answer if I wanted to do the amnio, but I couldn’t talk, let alone hardly think at this point.
All I felt was pure pain and heart break.
I managed to nod after a few moments of trying to catch my breath. They went ahead and did the procedure in office, sent me home and said they would call.
I cried every single night, praying to god that it wasn’t true, praying for him to make a miracle happen…after all, that’s what he’s famous for right?
We didn’t get our miracle.
The office called after 2 weeks and we were told that our baby had triploidy, a word I’d never heard before in my life.
She asked me if we wanted to know the gender and I said “Oh we know its a girl.”
She paused for a moment and said “I’m sorry hun, but the chromosomes came back as XXY, so the baby is actually a boy…but with too many female hormones.”
So our baby wasn’t a she, our baby was a he, but the triploidy caused a sex defect and his genitals didn’t form properly- that’s why he looked like a girl on ultrasound.
I was still trying to be hopeful- after all, how could I abort my baby?
I thought of abortions as such a nasty horrible thing. That is, until I saw 3 people for different opinions, and it all came back adding more bad news, onto bad news. As he grew, more defects became apparent.
I finally broke down to my husband and told him, “I can not let my baby suffer trying to live just so I can have him here. He will be in pain trying to survive in a world he wasn’t meant for.”
I chose to be induced and to break my own heart even more, so that he wouldn’t have to feel a single ounce of suffering.
I was 21 weeks and 6 days when he was born on December 30th at 4 am.
He lived for 2 hours.
2 hours that I will cherish every single day for the rest of my life.
I sang to him, told him how much I love him, he got to meet his daddy and both of his nana’s.
He was loved and we got to make sure he knew it.
His body was cremated so he will forever have a part of himself here, in his home, with his family as he watches us from above.
I’ve always been afraid of death, but knowing when I go, I’ll have him waiting for me, makes it not such a bad thing.
R.I.P Jasper Allen Robertson
Lori Robertson, 26, Mother of 5 year old Jonah Robertson and Wife of Cody Robertson, 28.
So far we’ve had one 6 wk miscarriage, a TMFR at 21 wks 6 days, and recently an 8 wk 4 day missed miscarriage. Still haven’t given up hope for an angel baby.
